And so, it appears you are dead...
I had a funny day yesterday.
It started with a silent miscommunication with my partner where we exchanged killer stares while trying to help each others. We talked about it within the next few minutes, and it felt we had resolved the issue.
At midday I crucified a friend. He has taken to revive a project I worked on 4 years ago for would-be entrepreneurs who made me work for nothing (in every way). He believes there's today an opportunity to bring the solution to the market, while being funded for doing so. While he kept saying he was very busy, he made a dog's breakfast of the slides I had prepared (some people don't get the grasp of template). We work remotely. Simply put, I machine gunned him with 5 short TXT messages. A few minutes later, as I was replaying what happened in my head, I felt stupid and apologised to him with a phone message. (He gave me the silent treatment for the whole day. We talked this morning. He forgave me.)
I had seen the pattern. Minutes later, I apologised to my partner. She appreciated it. I felt I had it under control.
Mid afternoon, I snapped at a guest who complained his shower was cold. He didn't follow our instructions: he didn't let the water run enough before getting under the shower. In no ambiguous terms, I told him it was his mistake and complaining was not on. Damn! I had done it again! What was wrong with me?! I apologised later.
Three times, I completely, utterly, acted out of character. Why??!
I caught myself just in time as I was about to do it a fourth time. I felt buzzing inside, over-energised. During our evening walk, I couldn't have enough of the feeling of my big toes pushing my body forward. Clearly, it was not over.
In the evening, I received a phone call from my uncle. I am meant to visit him on Sunday. He told me my "father" had passed away. He had been called by a farmer who rents a piece of land from my "mother". She knew the farmer knew her brother. She said she had lost his phone number... Inner thoughts: She had played victim, again. She had lied, again. She must feel ashamed. Too bad she doesn't feel the need to apologise to her family. She's 78.
That was it. Somehow I had picked up bad vibes from 1,200 km away. Not the first time I sense stuff, even from 20,000 km away, but this was on a totally different scale. With that understanding, I cut out the bad input. The extra-energy was still in my system though.
I went to bed in a good mood, thinking of the cats who can now roam the property without being shot dead by this terrible man. My feelings were mixed though. I decided to meditate as I slipped under the blanket. I fell into some kind of meditation loop all night, interspaced with bouts of sleep. It was truly meditation: no passing thought got hold of my feelings or emotions or played on my own movie theatre. Around 5 am, as I felt I had almost not slipped at all, I figured out my mistake and decided to stop meditating the moment I would fall asleep again. Sure enough that worked. I woke up at 7:30, fresh and rested.
That was a full 24 hour day of weirdness. I'm happy it's behind.
Thoughts: My mother is truly alone now, still in her victim role, she has alienated all the neighbours and the family. I am still looking for answers but I have no desire to hear any nonsense that would come out of a direct discussion. And yet, I'd like to see who turns up at the cremation or funeral. I'd like to see if she still projects her air of proud bourgeoise now she doesn't have her pit bull of husband to scare off the people who have a number of truths to speak to her face.
And I feel silly.
For a decade now, every Christmas, I have checked their local newspaper obituary column to check whether they were still alive or not. And now that it has happened, that one of them has passed away, and that the survivor is the person with the answer I am interested in, and that I have planned for weeks a trip to see my uncle who lives less than 20 km of where she lives, and that I will be there in two days, well, I don't know what to do.
Ok, I haven't had time to search my feelings about this today, and the day is not over, and if the day is not enough I have another 48 hours to figure out what to do of this opportunity. But right now, trust me, I feel silly.
Tomorrow morning I'll ring the funeral parlours in the region, in order to find out whether they have the customer I used to call Papa. I want to be sure he passed away. I want to know when and where the funerals will take place, for I want to sense if I have a chance to get a glimpse of her.
I also wonder if what I felt yesterday was her anger, if from far away she had been lashing out at me for having sent this terrible letter almost a year ago.